Cut the Shit

Why it Worked/Why it Didn’t

Rhianna’s single Unfaithful


Why It Worked: For the first time in a while comes a song about the ugly side of relationships. For those of us that have ever cheated on a spouse, boyfriend, fiancé, whatever, this song nails the emotion and the guilt that accompanies such an act. Having cheated myself, the song rips at my guts and reminds me that I’ve made some selfish and irreparable choices in the past. Rhianna’s voice is filled with angst and heartbreak while she sings the song. And to me, it’s this kind of voice that works most effectively considering the context. Forthcoming and honest, Rhianna has given us a song that reminds us how easy it is to destroy the love and trust that takes so long to build.
Why It Didn’t: If you’re not a pop music fan, the simple melody will grate on your nerves. Additionally, if you don’t identify with the lyrics, Rhianna’s pained voice will probably make you want to claw your eyes out.

The Lost Finale

WIW: Many of devoted Lost fans waited all year to see some action. There were numerous weeks of repeats and the storylines were dragging to the point of absurdity. We want blood! We want death! We want to be shocked and awed! The two hour finale provided all that and so much more. Secrets of the island’s origin became known and the cause of the initial flight was explained perfectly. On top of that, we finally got to see the “Others” in their habitat and it was very reminiscent of Lord of the Flies. The cliffhanger left the 4 main characters in peril and I was squealing with joy. When the “Others” put the burlap sacks over Kate and Jack’s head, their eyes connected and I felt actual emotion fill my stony heart.
WID: For those of you that are diehard fans, the episode didn’t cover nearly enough ground. With high expectations, especially after the frustration of repeated episodes all season, Lost didn’t reach far enough outside of the box. Details were few and far between and in actuality, there are now more questions to be answered than before the episode aired.

Transgender Television Programming

WIW: Both Transgeneration and The Surreal Life did a fantastic job in showcasing the life of Transgender persons. I was incredibly impressed by the sensitivity, but not placating attitude, that was used when dealing with this issue. I felt like I actually learned something new when viewing these programs. It is quite apparent and obvious to me that being a transgendered individual is not a choice that anyone makes. To be born in a body that you don’t identify with…that’s such a scary and hard thing to deal with. While I can’t fully identify with this struggle, I remember all too vividly how hard it was for me to accept my own homosexuality. I didn’t choose to be a homosexual, so why would they CHOOSE to go through the process of gender reassignment? These are people just like us, who go through trials and tribulations just like us. And the one thing we truly have in common? We all just want to live our life as comfortably and as happily as possible.
WID: In a society that is seemingly more conservative now than it was 10 years ago, is it even possible for the majority of people to accept and tolerate this kind of lifestyle? No matter how educational and positive the programming is, the world is just not ready to embrace this issue. Gay rights are on the upswing, but even when we are finally treated as equals, the transgender population will still have a long and hard road to overcome on the way to acceptance. We, as human beings, need a scapegoat to feel like we’re worth something. Sadly, I fear the transgender population will become that scapegoat.

The Sopranos Season Six

WIW: Over the weekend I was telling Rita about how much I detest the mafia/mob, whatever. Living in NYC, our newspapers are filled with stories about rackateering trials, murders, etc, all relating to these crime entrenched families. I find these people to be disgusting and a waste of the life that God has given us. How dare any of these lazy fuckers bully the hard-working communities into giving them money and other goods in return for self imposed favors? Get a fucking job, you losers. Considering that this is my opinion on the subject, I have always avoided The Sopranos knowing it was just going to infuriate me more. Well, when I got home from my weekend away, Paul and I watched 5 episodes of this season and I have to admit, I’m hooked. The writing and acting is phenomenal and the storylines are addictive. There is a lot of killing, a lot of swearing, and there isn’t one character that I’m bored by. I can’t wait to start watching all of the old seasons. If I can find a way to disassociate myself from the reality it portrays, I think I’ll become a rabid Sopranos fan.
WID: It is incredibly difficult to watch a show about people that make their living hurting other people – especially since it’s based on reality. Conjunctively, it is almost impossible to find the humanity in these characters. When I see these guys strutting through their small town Jersey neighborhoods, I get so angry inside. Paul and I were screaming at the TV “You fucking scumbag assholes. GO TO WORK LIKE THE REST OF US!” Even with Tony Soprano, I can’t stand his fat face. I LOVE James Gandolfini, but his character makes me want to vomit. When he gets shot at the end of the first episode of Season Six, Paul and I cheered. JUST DESSERTS! These douchebags act all tough and mighty, but when it comes down to it, the people these characters represent in real life will burn in hell for the shit they’ve done. And that my friends, is what I call justice.

Marijuana

WIW: A new study has proven that marijuana does not cause lung cancer. While cigarettes and marijuana do have a few similar properties, a new study claims that smoking the weed will not increase the chance of developing cancer later on in life. I’m sure that not smoking anything ever is probably the way to go, but if you flushed that idea down the toilet years ago, be happy to know that you might not be doing any excess damage to your lungs. Plus, being stoned is fantastic.
WID: While smoking pot makes you hungry and everything taste just that much better, you will find that your short term memory turns to shit. Personally, I can’t remember anything before 1995. When I take a huge hit and cough my brains out, I’ll say to my friends “There goes the memory of my high school graduation!” We all laugh and then I realize that we’re actually laughing at me turning into a mush brain.

Philips Surround Sound White Earbuds


WIW: The sound that comes out of these headphones is phenomenal. I’m hearing details in songs that I never knew existed. In fact, instead of watching TV last night, I sat on my couch with my Ipod and blasted some new music I downloaded. Lately, I’ve been walking around with one working ear piece and one dead ear piece, so the new, full sound is absolutely wonderful. Plus, they’re quite comfortable.
WID: When I first opened the package, I was mortified to find that the wire that connects the earpieces to the handset is all fucked up. One ear piece has a wire that is 19 inches long and the other ear piece has a wire that is 6 inches long. LITERALLY. How the fuck are you supposed to wear these things without looking like a crazy person? Rita and I tried wearing them all different ways and they STILL looked awkward. I’ve since given up trying to figure it out, but if any of you have an answer as to how to fix them, let me know. And for the record, they are not adjustable…I’ve tried that a million times.

And that is going to be all I’ve got for you today. It’s definitely time for me to masturbate. While wearing my new headphones, of course.

(REPOSTED FROM SATURDAY NIGHT)

Ruby

I slept for 4 hours last night and when I woke up at 8am, I could hear Rita in the other room with Ruby. The two were giggling and making sounds and enjoying each other's company. I listened for a bit and I marveled at the part of Rita's life that I just don't understand.

As if it was destined to be, I sat up on the couch and stared down the hallway. At the exact moment, Rita walked out holding Ruby in her arms.

This is the moment that I will never forget for as long as I live...

I glance at Rita and immediately look down into Ruby's eyes. She looks into my eyes and she SMILES. I gasp and stutter something and she just continues to look me directly in the eye and SMILE. It was like she knew me already...as though this was our third of fourth visit.

To minimalize the experience, I melted. In the proceeding minutes Rita introduced me to Ruby and did her mommy thing and I just remember sitting there thinking "everything has changed". My best friend has a BABY. My best friend...has a baby.

It was with that realization that the tears climbed into my throat.

Over the course of the day I played with Ruby as though I was getting paid 10 grand an hour for it. The crazy faces and over animated dance routines began at 9am and at 10:30am, I looked at Rita and said "I could lose my life doing this". Falling in love so fast is crazy and overwhelming and a feeling that I really can't explain.

Ruby is going to grow up and really know who I am. She will KNOW that I'm her mommy's best friend. She will respect me and love me and look up to me. Rita refers to me as "Uncle Joe" so casually that I never really GOT it. I'm "Uncle Joe"! Like for reals!

We spent the entire day together...

But while Rita's husband was cooking steaks on the grill, Rita told me that Ruby needed a nap. I followed her into the bedroom and sat on the floor. Rita turned the lights off, sat in the rocking chair and turned on a mixed CD that would set the mood.

I watched as Rita rocked her BABY in her arms while Sarah Mclachlen played in the background. As I saw Ruby fall to sleep and as I saw Rita connect with this extension of herself...I started to cry. I started to cry so hard that Rita had to hug me outside of Ruby's bedroom for a solid couple of minutes.

We all know that I love Rita. But now I love her baby. Which is SO weird for me, cuz I don't love ANYTHING. My own DOG had to grow on me for a couple weeks before I became obsessed with him. But with this child...with this beautiful Ruby...

She smiled at me the minute she saw me. She knows.

And for the first time, I know.

Rita and I are forever. And conjunctively, Ruby and I have a future that I can not only count on, but amazingly...look forward to.

If you could bottle up and sell this feeling, it would go for BANK on the streets of New York.

For the first time in a long time, I realize that we are all truly blessed. And I don't mean that as a figure of speech.

I sincerely mean, we are all

truly

blessed.

Rita

At the moment, I'm sitting in Rita Lovely's apartment on the couch, CNN on the TV, computer in my lap. You see...Rita has a baby now and you wouldn't know it other than she went to bed at an ungodly early time. 12:30am. For us, that's super early. Especially since we see each other never.

In any case...I've been here for 5 hours and I have yet to meet the baby. When I arrived, she was already asleep for the night and instead of barging in and taking a peek, I maximized the time I had with Miss Rita.

I gotta tell you...

When I'm with Rita, there is a peace that settles over my body. It happens naturally and I've always taken it for granted. But tonight, I analyzed it a bit more and I realized WHY I always feel so comfortable around her.

The truth is, I like who I am when I'm with Rita. She makes me feel smart and important and like I'm the number one guy on the planet. I do and say things that are probably ridiculous, but Rita takes each word and hears it in a way that makes her respect me more. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I've never loved anyone more for loving me the way that they do.

If you're close friends with me, you know ALL about Rita. You know about our special friendship and you know about the NEED I have for her in my life. But when I'm actually in her presence, when I'm sitting across the couch from her, drinking my wine, waxing philosophic, something happens that I can't control. I become this guy who is confident and strong and open. I talk and I talk and I talk and nothing I say, no matter how fucked up it may come across...nothing I say shocks or upsets her. Sure there are moments that are raw and real, but Rita lets go with me. She says things that she could regret and she allows her heart to break free...which if you knew her, you would be jealous that I'm the lucky one she opens up to.

I'm no stranger to girl friends. I've got a slew. And each one of them is important to me in their own specific way.

But there is and will always BE something about Rita that brings me to my knees. There is no bullshit with her. In fact, she caught me in a massive lie tonight, for no other reason than she KNOWS me. When she brought it up, my heart stopped and my asshole puckered...and she said "Joe...I know, and it's okay." I almost cried, but I didn't. I couldn't. How could ANYONE know me THAT well?

No one else does.

It's rare for me to dive into the "Rita" friendship in this journal. Which is funny cuz she is the actual inspiration FOR "Cut the Shit". Without Rita there would BE no journal. Without Rita, there would be no Joe.

I have yet to meet her baby. Over and over Rita has said "I hope you like her". But I think the real concern here is "Will she like Joe?". Ruby is going through a "stranger danger" phase and I can only hope that she will not experience that with me. In all fairness, she should automatically attach herself to me because Rita and I have the friendship that we have. Ruby should understand Joe right off the bat...because Rita understands Joe before the bat is even presented.

In any cae...I'm nervous. I'm excited. This visit is already too short.

Sometimes I just wish that life was about spending time with the people you love the most. But it isn't. And I know on Sunday, I'll reboard the train and go back to my NYC life. And no matter how incredible the trip is, it will never be enough. Mother fuck. It never is.

Odd that I'm never as happy in NY as I am automatically when I have Rita sleeping 10 feet away.

Busy Gay Bee

I have so much to say today that I have to do this in bite-size nuggets. You understand because you LOVE nuggets. Especially since these nuggets are chock full of gay themed goodness!

Last Friday Night

Thank you to those of you who offered up support during my evening of crapshit. Everything smoothed itself over by Saturday afternoon, so it all worked out ok. I really have to stop holding myself up to such high and unrealistic standards. I always feel as though if I screw up even minutely, I deserve to thrown off a bridge. That’s completely unnecessary and in all actuality, total bullshit. I swear I’ll start to relax a bit more and ride the crimson wave. Except not so much crimson as I haven’t gotten my period in years.

Late Friday Night

I had my second date with V. We had appetizers and a few drinks. And guess what? I totally misinterpreted him as not being interested in me! In reality he’s just an incredibly boring and lame guy! My bad! The hour and a half that I spent with him was absolutely painstaking. He didn’t laugh once even though I was delivering some of my best material. Ask me if I laughed? Why yes I did! At my own jokes. He just sat there like a literal lump on a log. So basically all I gots to say about that one is ADIOS V! Nice dating you. Actually that’s a lie. It wasn’t very nice dating you at all.

Saturday

On Saturday afternoon I had lunch with my parents and some family friends. We went to Spanky's BBQ in Times Square (click on the link to see funny pig stuff) and although it was over priced, the pulled pork sandwich I had was fanfuckingtastic. AND, my new obsession is deep fried pickles with dipping sauce. Paul and I had them recently and I became legitimately addicted. When I saw them on the menu at Spanks, I jizzed all over myself and made everyone try them (without the jizz of course). Of course, they all fell in love. And my mom brought me all sorts of little presents. I got a new Armistead Maupin book “Maybe the Moon” and some new clothes and treats for Tyler. She also bought me a shitload of candy, which is GREAT, but not for my upcoming summer waistline. It’s ok tho…I ate every bit of it in two sittings so at least it’s out of my cupboards.

NYC AIDS WALK 2006

On Sunday I marched with 47,000 other people in an effort to raise awareness and funds to fight the AIDS epidemic. It was one of the most surreal experiences I’ve ever had. So many people all there for the same reason. Best part: being able to freely hold Paul’s hand as we walked amongst the group. Worst part: Tyler got tremendous diarrhea and consequently caused many of my friends and me to get separated from our pre-arranged team. But we eventually got him cleaned up and he had the best time ever. He’s still sleeping off his “walking hangover”. Oh! And let’s not forget about the big, fat, beast of a woman who shoved us out of the way while we were walking, only to say “I have nothing against you gays, but when I can’t get where I’m trying to go, I get pissed!” A few of us had some choice words for her, but ultimately, she’ll pay for her ignorance when all of her yellow teeth fall out.

This Upcoming Weekend

After months of trying to figure out how I was going to afford it and plan for it, I have the opportunity this weekend to go see one of my favorite people on the entire planet: Miss Rita Lovely! Rita gave birth to her first baby girl at the tail end of last year and I have yet to hold that gorgeous child. I get there on Friday and I have two whole days of playing with Ruby and talking about everything under the sun with my bestest. We will make food and watch movies and drink wine and absolutely maximize every possible second we have together. Rita and I haven’t seen each other in over 6 months, so I’m not sure who needs this visit more. Rita or myself. Probably both!

TONIGHT!

After months of waiting, tonight Ari and I are going to see “RENT” on Broadway! I got us the tickets for her birthday and we are making a full date night out of it. We will both leave work at 5pm, head to dinner at an adorable restaurant in midtown and then off to my friend Angie’s for a quick toke before the show. Then at 8pm, you can picture us sitting in the center of the orchestra (5th row) watching one of the best shows to ever grace the Great White Way! I counted up the amount of times I’ve seen the show on Broadway and I’m both proud and embarrassed to report that tonight’s viewing will be my 9th. UM. Is there something wrong with me that I get equally as excited to see it every time I go? The movie was thoroughly enjoyable, but seeing it live is a whole experience and an unforgettable one at that. Ari is like a stone when it comes to showing emotion, but I’m hoping for just one tear to appear at some point during the production. If not, no biggie. I just hope that she’s moved by it. But even so, having a date night like this is something we never get to do. I’m so excited I’ve almost given myself a headache.

Another DOG!

Paul and I have decided to get another puppy. It probably won’t happen for a couple more months, but it’s a definite. Sure there are some worries that go along with that, but I’ll leave those thoughts to my parents and friends who think I’ve lost my mind by getting another one. As far as I’m concerned, this is a fantastic idea. We will be using the same breeder that my parents used, so Tyler will be a cousin of the new puppy. Yet there is only one Tyler and I will always love him the most. The new puppy will be Paul’s, so there will be no competition between who loves who more. Yet, I just know that I’m going to be the one to teach this new dog the lay of the land. But that’s ok. I’m getting good at it.

New Songs that I just LURVE

I’m not a big Rhianna fan, but I am LOVING the new “Unfaithful” track. I will download that shit immediately. Also, who knew that Panic at the Disco! was so fucking fantastic? Download “I Write Sins, not Tragedies” for an edgy new tune. And lastly, as though my Big Love obsession couldn’t have gotten any deeper…I’ve rediscovered some old Beach Boy music that brings me back to my childhood. The opening credits of the show are some of the finest I’ve EVER seen. I’ve been watching it at least 4 times in a row before I actually start the episode (I usually watch it ON DEMAND). It took me about two viewings before I downloaded “God Only Knows” and I may just go ahead and barrel through the old tunes until I end up purchasing “Kokomo”. You know how it goes.

And that’s all for now! So much more to come, so stay tuned!

A Fuck Up

If you know me, or if you read this journal, or if both...you know that I tend to be an extremely emotional person that loses my balance over TYPICALLY inconsequential things.

Tonight...or today rather...I fucked up by telling a family secret to a friend and another family member that wasn't my secret to tell. Granted, it's a HAPPY secret and not a gossip-laden family secret...in fact, it's a secret that makes me more proud of my family than ever before.

But in all fairness, it wasn't my secret to tell. Yet I did, cuz in a lot of ways I don't understand why I can't scream to high heavens how amazing the secret is! While it's not my secret to talk about, it absolutely, indirectly, affects me and I blew it wide open to certain people. Not for any personal gain, but for the sheer excitement of sharing and talking about it.

After I told the secret, I called those who asked me to shut my mouth and told them of my mistake. Unfortunately, while they were kind, the anger and disappointment was clear and I ended up in tears over the fact that I "fucked up". When the owner of the secret asked me "Why do you have to make this about you?", I actually started to sob and said "I never meant that. I wanted it to be about US and the excitement and anticipation that goes with it!". It made no difference.

I gotta say...and knowing that some of these people may read this journal...

Why are there so many stipulations?

Why do we have to abide by "rules"?

Why can't we each experience these new developments on our own level and enjoy and process them as such?

And yet...Why am I always the guy that seems to break all the "rules"?

I wasn't gossiping. I didn't set out to make this my own story or my own glory...I just wanted to talk to a few people that would encourage, support, and get excited about the new developments coming into the family life.

And if that's wrong, sobeit.

But I refuse to sit here and feel regret over the conversations I had. They were important to ME. It may not be about ME, but it definitely affects me and I THINK...I THINK (and I am ALLOWED TO THINK), that I should be, in most ways free to experience and enjoy this secret as much as possible.

I hurt people tonight and I am devastated over that fact.

But how appropriate that when I talk about something close to my heart, I'm called the typical "big mouth".

If only these people could realize how wonderful life would be if we all stopped living by these superficial and ultimately bullshit rules.

Yeah...happy weekend.

Joe Foolery

So leave it to me to get all bent out of shape because one guy doesn’t fall all over me. As you’ve seen from my last couple of posts, I’ve been going all crazy in my head after my date with V. I’ve definitely been acting like an idiot about it and have unfortunately been the queen of nonsensical drama. You see, I can analyze all of this now with a level head because-

He asked me on a second date.

UM. Yeah. I got to work this morning to find an email from V saying that he had a great time on Friday and would like to get dinner again. Imagine my excitement and then horror when I realized how deeply I let this effect me over the last slew of days. I’m such a boner and am quite embarrassed that I let this shit get under my skin. But it’s a lesson learned and I’ll remember to relax a bit more in the future.

I’m thinking that V and I will have dinner again on Friday night. I’ve got happy hour plans before that so I’ll be nice and buzzed before I see him. Let’s just hope the drinks chill a brother out! And by brother, I mean me.

Also, I met this guy last Friday before I had dinner with V and because he gave me a free bag of “Hydro”, I gave him my phone number. SO dumb. He will not stop calling me. And I feel bad, cuz I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but lawdy! Too too much. Just too and just much! I’ll probably call him back at some point, cuz I don’t want to be a full on dickhead, but at the same time, I have no room in my life for guys who call me twice a day – especially when I only talked to him for a good five minutes at the bar!

Alrighty…I’m leaving in a bit to have some Chinese and wine at lunch. Slurp. Lately I’ve been trying to broaden my China horizons by getting something other than sweet and sour chicken. My new flava flave? Beef in Oyster sauce. It’s very good and doesn’t taste like oysters at all! Who knew!? Well, probably the Chinamen.

Peace out friends!

A Conversation with my Therapist

As I said yesterday, I had to leave right after work to go to a therapy appointment. I’m down to two visits a month – partly because of finances and partly because things have been going fairly well. However, my sessions have been incredibly intense as of late. Sophie used to be so laid-back and truthfully, I was a little perturbed that she wasn’t really giving me a push into any sort of direction. But all that changed a couple of weeks ago when I confronted her on the issue.

When I saw Sophie yesterday, I immediately launched into the story of the date gone horribly awry. Here is the conversation we had immediately following the story that you read about yesterday:

Sophie: I don’t understand. You must be leaving something out.
Me: No. That’s exactly how it happened.
Sophie: But Joe, I don’t see how V’s response to the date could have made you so upset. There is something you’re not telling me.
Me: There really isn’t. I did it to myself. Everything went fine. I just wanted it to go better and then when it didn’t, I picked myself apart to the point where I felt like a worthless piece of shit. The ugly thoughts crept in and I did nothing, but fuel the fire.
Sophie: I want you to stop doing that.
Me: I know.
Sophie: I mean it. It’s not helpful to you and we’ve done too much work in here for you to fall back into that self-destructive behavior.

At this point, I started to tear up.

Sophie: Why does this make you upset?
Me: Because I don’t know how to appreciate and love myself. I look in the mirror and I see someone that I hate; I see someone that is insecure, ugly, unsuccessful and overweight.
Sophie: But you aren’t any of those things. Why do you see yourself as that?
Me: (now fully crying) I don’t know.
Sophie: You do know.
(pause)
Sophie: Joe, you do know. What is it?
Me: I really don’t. I mean, if I had to take a guess, I’d say that I was afraid of rejection from everyone and everything.
Sophie: That’s exactly what I think it is. You are so afraid of being hurt by someone that you hurt yourself first. That way, if and when the rejection comes, you can handle it, cuz you’ve already beaten yourself up so badly that nothing else will hurt. This started when you were a child and you’ve come up with a way to close yourself off against people that aren’t even attacking you. It’s a way to self preserve, but it’s not a way to live.
Me: (sobbing) You are absolutely right.

Sophie hands me a tissue and we sit for a minute.

Sophie: Are you really upset that V wasn’t interested in pursuing you? You just told me that when you went to the gay bar before the date, all sorts of men were hitting on you and giving you an abundance of attention.
Me: Yes, they were. But I didn’t like any of them. I liked the one guy that barely made eye contact with me.
Sophie: And this is something that you’ve done since we’ve begun treatment. You seem to refuse to accept yourself for the wonderful man that you are and when someone else compliments you on that, you turn and run away.
Me: Cuz I don’t love myself and I don’t believe them when they say it. They don’t know who I really am.
Sophie: We need to figure out a way for you to learn how to appreciate yourself for the qualities that you possess; for the positive impression you make on everyone that meets you.
Me: I want that. I want to be able to see myself through the eyes of my friends and family. I want to be able to be PROUD that I was the hot guy at the bar. I want to be able to hold my head high even though I feel fat and disgusting and unworthy.
Sophie: You are not fat. You are not disgusting. You are a good looking, intelligent, incredibly intuitive young man. The only person telling you that you aren’t these things is yourself. And it has to stop.
Me: I know.
Sophie: When these thoughts creep into your mind, I want you to force them out. I want you to ignore that voice in your head. And at the same time, I want you to replace those thoughts with different accomplishments that you’ve achieved, or even with thoughts of how popular and loved you felt when you went to that bar before the date. Those are the thoughts that are going to increase your confidence level. Those are the thoughts that will help to keep your spiral into depression and self-destruction at bay.
Me: What if I can’t do that?
Sophie: You can do that. You may not WANT to do that, but you definitely CAN do that.
Me: So essentially I need to trick myself into believing I’m a great person.
Sophie: I think it’s a good exercise to work on until we meet again.
Me: Do you think that I make myself upset just to make myself upset?
Sophie: I think you’re more comfortable being frustrated and angry than you are being content. You try to please everyone, but on the inside, you aren’t pleasing yourself and that is exactly where the rage comes from; that is exactly what brought you to see me over a year ago. Over time you will see that no one wants you to appease them. If anything, your friends and family want you to appease yourself. It’s your life and spending it living for other people or criticizing yourself for no reason is surely not the way to move forward in a productive and edifying manner.

After this, we dove into some territory that is incredibly personal to me, so I’ll have to end there.

I adore this woman. I’ve been with her for 16 months, longer than I’ve been with any therapist in the past. She is smart, caring, and straight forward. And she compliments me over and over until I have nothing else BUT to believe in myself.

Last night when I got home, Paul and I had a fantastic dinner. At the end of the night, I was brushing my teeth and washing my face and for about five minutes, I stared at myself in the mirror until I fully believed that I was a good looking, strong, and beautiful person. It worked.

Then this morning as I was putting on my jeans and getting ready for work, I started to get that feeling of “I don’t want to leave the house. I hate who I am.” And you know what I did? I went back to that bathroom mirror and I stared at myself, saying things over and over, until I actually convinced myself that when I left the apartment, all eyes would be on me, but in a positive way.

Ironically enough, today, I feel good about who I am and there are moments when I actually believe that I look good too.

I’ll do this mantra every day for the rest of my life if it ultimately means that I’ll learn to love myself the way that everyone else does.

My Date with Insecurity

Now that we’re a good couple of days since I went on the date, I feel much more able to talk about it in detail. It wasn’t THAT bad of a date…I think I just psyched myself out and then ended up feeling horrible when it didn’t go my way.

Here’s the dizz:

I met my friend Nans at GYM bar in Chelsea around 7:30pm. We had a few drinks and my confidence totally soared as I was hit on by everyone in our local vicinity. I especially needed this ego boost since I was having an exceptionally insecure kind of day. I called Kelly and Ari and asked them to tell me how wonderful I was and how smoothly the date was going to go. In the past month, when I’ve gone out on dates, I hadn’t been that nervous at all. Some sixth sense inside of me told me that I was really going to like this guy, whereas with the other ones, I was rather bored by them.

When we got to View Bar, Nans and I got a drink and waited for V to show up. The minute he walked in the door, I was attracted to him. He was wearing a polo shirt and bad jeans (what’s up with masculine guys and their bad jeans!?) We shook hands (his grip was FIRM) and talked for a bit before heading out to dinner. The conversation was fairly easy, but having Nans there made it a little difficult for me to have any one on one time with V.

We walked up a few blocks and went to “East of Eighth”, one of my favorite gay friendly restaurants in the city. I ordered a glass of wine and they both ordered iced tea. (insert my total snores) I got the pizza and a salad and ate absolutely none of it. V got the meatloaf which was incredibly dorky and totally turned me on. We talked about finances, family, and our careers. V is an accountant and owns his own apartment in some Chelsea condo. He has broad shoulder and great arms and he was even wearing a metal necklace – which was a HUGE plus for him, considering that I wear a metal necklace too.

I caught V looking at me during random moments of the night and I thought “this is going fairly well”. However, I wasn’t able to read him completely, so I asked Nans to go outside and have a cigarette with me. He was resistant at first and that pissed me off. My close friends would have been up and out the door before I even asked. It was kind of embarrassing to have to be like “Um…PLEASE Nans?”

When we were outside, Nans told me that he thought V was interested. I told him to find out and kick me under the table if V wanted to hang out with me after dinner. Plan was set in action and I went back inside. The minute I sat down, Nans kicked me under the table and I thought “Excellent”. Then he excused himself and went to the bathroom so V and I could talk.

Here was our conversation:

Me: So how is tonight going?
V: Pretty good.
Me: I think so too.
V: Yeah.
Me: So did you want to go get a drink after dinner?
V: No, I think I’ll just go home.
Me: (WAIT WHAT!??! Nans totally kicked me under the table!): Oh ok.
V: Cool.
Me: Let me ask you something.
V: Shoot.
Me: Are you not interested in me (this is the moment when I OFFICIALLY lost my game)?
V: Um…well…no I didn’t say that. I just have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. We can have dinner again next week or something.
Me: (mortification ensuing) Oh, yeah sure. You’re just hard to read so I don’t want to be too forceful.
V: You’re not. It’s cool.

AND THAT WAS THAT!

I should have definitely kept my mouth shut. I was just in total shock that he wasn’t interested in me. Cuz seriously…he wasn’t like a fucking supermodel and he didn’t have the BEST personality of all time. I figured it would be EASY for me to snag this one. And I think because he didn’t like me, I liked him more. Isn’t that SO the way?

I should NEVER have asked him if he wasn’t interested. That made me so embarrassed and I basically crawled out of the restaurant, shook his hand and ran away with Nans. I began overanalyzing everything and by the time I got to Tessa’s, I was a wreck. I totally did it to myself. V didn’t do it. Nans didn’t do it. I picked away at myself until there was nothing left, but blood and bits. But as I said in my last post, Tessa put those pieces back together and my night was completely salvaged, even if I did get a little too drunk.

Anywhiz…V hasn’t called since dinner and I highly doubt he will. Ari seems to think he will and so does my mom. If he does, I will surely report back about it. Part of me would love to have dinner again, just us. But part of me wants to never see him again as I feel as though I made myself out to be a total chump.

FUCK.

Good thing I have therapy after work. Talk about needing it more than ever. I’m sure my therapist will be like “But WHY do you feel so heartbroken about this Joe?” “But WHY did you feel like you had to ask him if he liked you?” “But WHY…” and then I’m going to slap her in the mouth.

(Shudder) And that’s that.

OK

Things did NOT go as planned tonight. And...fucked up as it is...I shed a couple of tears the minute I fell into Tessa's arms.

Thank you Tessa.

Thank you Kelly for giving me the courage I needed.

Thank you Rita for giving me the strength that I should have had already.

And again...

Thank you Tessa for wiping my ridiculous tears, making me a drink, and most importantly, providing me with a home on a night where I felt like I had no where else to go.

Man...if I was straight, I'd have three wives to tend to right now.

I love you all.

And for the rest of you...

I'll explain on Monday.

Friday Confessional

Why am I more nervous about my date tonight than any of the other ones that have preceded it?

I’m having dinner tonight with a guy named V that I haven’t met in person yet. However, I will be going to the dinner with my friend Nans – who hooked me up with V. Recently when I’ve gone out to dinner on dates, I have done them alone. Yet, for some reason, even though I have a friend coming with me on this one, I’m more nervous than I have been in the past.

I guess part of the reason is because after seeing his picture, I realized that I would most likely be genuinely attracted to him. While the other guys were attractive as well, I knew that I was going out on the dates more for experience rather than actually expecting to meet someone who piqued my interest. With V, I feel like my time is up. What if I do meet someone and actually like them? What if I do meet someone and actually become intimate with them? Where does that leave Paul and me? Where does that leave…me?

I realized yesterday that I have been celibate for over a year. That means that I haven’t even French kissed someone in that amount of time. There was the five seconds that I gave Paul a blow job, but that was an unsuccessful attempt and I don’t really count it. It’s been so long since I’ve been touched that I’m kind of freaking out about it inside my head.

If you met me, you would never assume that I was a prude, no sex having, baby. It’s not something I’m proud of. In fact, it’s something that makes me rather disappointed. I’m 28 years old and this is supposed to be my sexual peak. Yet, I’m not having any with anyone. And I’m not talking intercourse here, cuz as we all know, I haven’t done that ever.

I can smile and flirt and make just about any gay guy become interested in me (I mean, I do have looks, a HUGE cock, AND a personality – what else could a gay guy want? – ha), so I’m not necessarily worried that V won’t be into me. I’m actually more concerned that he WILL be interested and then all of the flirting in the world is not going to override the fact that I’m scared to take my clothes off and get into a bed. While I may not have the worst body on the planet, I’m surely not comfortable in my naked skin. In fact, I’ve never really been comfortable with sex and I think that over time I trapped myself in a mental prison. I look in the mirror and I think “Oh yeah! I’m not hideous”, but then when the moment comes, and the kissing starts, I feel like my head is going to pop off from the amount of anxiety coursing through my veins.

I’ve never had an orgasm induced by a guy I’ve been intimate with. I’ve always finished them and then finished myself. But if I’m ever going to grow up and move forward with this issue, I’m going to have to learn how to let go a LOT more. Being touched is supposed to feel good and it’s supposed to create some sort of excitement within my body.

I’ve been told to put on my confident face and to act as though none of this bothers me. At least that’s the way to get the man, right? Well truthfully, my sexual issues are deep ceded and have been around for a long time. I don’t know that I’m capable of just pushing it out of my mind anymore.

The one thing that brings me back down to a calm place is that if I freak out, I can always leave after dinner and run home to masturbate while on the computer. The safety that a computer screen provides! Nice.

So I guess wish me luck! The full report will follow next week, no matter how it turns out.

Enjoy the weekend!

Why Overheard in New York is so Awesome

I had my own "Overheard" moment just now.

Two highschool kids going to a basketball game on the Upper West Side

Kid #1: "It was sad."
Kid #2: "Why?"
Kid #1: "Cuz we had this hamster who got a tumor. And it was next to his ass so he couldn't take a shit."
Kid #2: "Fuck. That is sad."

When it Rains, It Pours

As you saw from my last post, I’ve been raking in the mens lately. It’s so weird. For months, I had no one to date. I wasn’t sure how to meet new people as I didn’t want to go to a bar and scope out the local trash. I joined 4 different dating sites, which have all since expired, and of all the money I shelled out for that lame nonsense, I only met one guy, who was buff, but totally mentally challenged. I’m talking for REAL mentally challenged.

So,on Friday I met a super hot bartender. It was fun to have that five minute crush and of course he hasn’t called me. But that’s fine, because really, can I not date anyone else that works in the restaurant/bar business? You never see them and the relationship totally suffers from that. Trust me, I know.

But on Saturday I went out with Mike again, the construction monster, er…worker. He wore jeans this time that were not as tapered, so that was good. I also told him that I wanted to pay for our dinner this time, or at least go dutch. He didn’t understand why I wanted to do that, but as far as I was concerned, going dutch meant taking this new relationship very slowly.

I met Mike at the front door to my building and I asked him where he wanted to eat. He mentioned that he’s never been to South Street Seaport at night, which by the way is absolutely gorgeous. We walked over and sat by the river for a little while. I smoked like 4 cigarettes while we chilled and he said “When are you going to quit smoking?”

Strike one.

I told him “Never” and he laughed. But really Mike, never. So don’t ask me that again. Then I asked him where he wanted to go to dinner. He said that he saw a “Pizzeria Unos” back the way we came. I know this is pretentious of me, but seriously…if you live in NYC, the last restaurant you go to eat at (unless you’re totally into it, the way I am with Applebee’s) is Pizzeria Uno. As you know, I’m a HUGE fan of pizza, so going to the “Unos” is just a waste of time in my world.

But that’s where we went.

Dinner was uneventful for the most part. However, I did notice that Mike wasn’t nearly as friendly as he was on our first date. He seemed a bit agitated and I thought he was a little rude to our server. He asked her for a new drink, cuz his was warm, but then when she brought it, he didn’t say thank you and basically just gave her a dirty look. Then when the bill came, he wanted to chintz on the tip because of it. “She didn’t earn 20%”.

Strike two.

Mike asked if I wanted to go out for another drink, but I told him that I had a big day on Sunday and needed to go home. He seemed irritated and got a little huffy. I guess he thought he was getting a piece of ass that night. Guess again brother.

We walked to my apartment building and he said “Have a good night” and barely stopped walking on his way to the subway. There was no kiss good night and no hug. He was pissy and was like “See ya!”

Strike fucking three.

And guess what Mike? You’re out!

It felt so good to get back to my apartment and to strip down to my boxers and get into bed with a movie. Tyler appreciated it too as he curled up next to me and fell right to sleep.

While it was awesome to meet a guy on the subway and to go out on a few dates with him, I’m definitely not interested in taking it any farther. He’s got way too much baggage and I thought he was kind of a prick on the second date. That is a sure sign that he’s a prick in real life and I’ve definitely got no time for that.

Now THIS upcoming Friday, I’ve got ANOTHER date with a guy that a friend of mine thinks will be perfect for me. If I could, I would post his picture here, cuz the boy is seriously GOOD LOOKING. Much more my style than Mike was, at least physically. He’s built bigger, is an accountant, lives in Chelsea and loves football. Everything that is opposite of me and I tend to appreciate that much more than someone who is exactly like me.

I’m super excited about this date cuz it’s random and with a friend! We’re double dating. And he’s incredibly good looking. Or at least, incredibly my type physically – and if you know me, you know how obnoxiously picky I am about physicality.

In any case…I will surely give the full report once I’ve gone out with him.

Things are surely picking up around here, no?

Holy Fucking Shit

I've just walked in the door and I'm typing more slowly and deliberately than ever before. So many drinks, so many people, so many activities. And holy fucking shit...so many stories.

Biggest of all...I left the apartment today feeling like a full blown, glazed (stuffed with raspberry jelly) Krispy Kreme donut. I met up with this gay guy that I haven't seen in over a year. He's like a casting director for Abercrombie and Snores and he used to have a huge crush on me, so I wanted to be as good looking and confident as possible.

Mistake number one: I didn't get my haircut this afternoon.
Mistake number two: I ate two slices of pizza for lunch and it made me feel gassy and bloated. HOT!
Mistake number three: whatever...I needed a three.

When my friend showed up, he was all over my shit and was like, ur hot and this and that and blah and snore and ur hot. He has a very serious boyfriend these days, so it was kind of cool that he was all up in my shit.

So then I decided...if he thinks I'm all that and shit, then I really need to portray that.

And I did.

(I have no time or energy for quotes and shit)

Uberbuffbartender: What do you want to drink?
Me: Vodka/redbull
Uber: Do you have id?
Me: (laughing) uh yeah. (i show him and he smiles). But now you're not getting a tip.
Uber: What if I told you that you were the cutest guy in here?
Me: Here's three dollars.

How fucking lame am I for even considering the fact that the bartender would be sincerely interested in me. That's like a risk I would have taken when I was 22. But at 28 I know better.

So you know what I did?

I wrote my phone number down on a piece of paper and gave it to him and told him that I understand the bartender code and I'm cool and HORK and if you want to have dinner, call...yeah. And the thing is, he truly madly deeply seemed to want to.

Guys...this guy is absolutely, unbelievably beautiful. YOu know I don't go for the skinny, nor the fems. This guy was like 30ish and so so built, yet so so sweet (which is how I knew he was gay), and the minute he looked in my eyes and connected with me, I really felt it.

I've been on numerous dates over the last couple of months. But in five minutes I felt more with him than I've felt with any of the others.

I actually have a slight case of the butterflies.

He won't call. I gave him my number and didn't take his for a reason. But if he does...if he actually does...I could possibly, actually...whole heartedly, have the chance of feeling something for someone other than Paul.

I know this is drunk Joe talking...but you need to know me and understand how well I know myself. I make a decision about people within the first 10 minutes.

And with this guy...five and I was smitten.

Joe needs to date someone that's going to teach him...gently...about sex. But the thing is...Joe needs to be attracted to him and willing to give it up a little.

This guy can have it. And if he doesn't want it...I gotta say...if felt AMAZING to go out tonight and feel like the hottest, coolest, most amazing guy at the party. Yes, I have great friends, but Joe rocked it for Joe tonight.

I've never been more proud. Of myself.

HAPPY FLYDAY!

Finally the weekend!

I’ve got so much going on today; my head is going to spin right off. Not to mention that Ari just forwarded me the video for Nelly Furtado’s new single Promiscuous. If you know Joe, you know that I’m fully obsessed with Nelly Furtado. I thought her first two albums were just about flawless and I’ve been walking around telling people how excited they should be about her third venture. However, after watching the video, the only thing I was happy about is the fact that she looks smokin. But I can’t BELIEVE that she went and turned herself into a JLO. I mean, come on! JLO is a no talent hack when it comes to music and now Nelly has gone the same route. This girl is so much better than that and I can’t explain how absolutely disappointed I am. I feel so let down about it. Great, another rap song with wispy singing in the background. C’mon Furtots. What the fuck are you doing?

Man. I can’t believe another great artist has sold out for cash and airplay. So tragically upsetting.

Anyways, I’m leaving work in about an hour to get my haircut. After which I’m meeting up with my friend Angie for some outside drinks or smokes. After a few hours of that, I’m off to see a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in over a year. We’re doing the outside drinking thing too and then I’m taking him to see my friend Mariah sing. And if I can still stand and see straight after that, I’ll go out for a few more drinks with Mariah and her girl. It’s a full day, but a fun one at that. And it’s absolutely gorgeous outside. I can’t wait to be sitting in the sun with my glass of wine in one hand, cigarette in the other, and just soaking it all in.

I can’t wait to sleep in tomorrow. I haven’t slept in late since April 22nd. I don’t know what’s more fucked up. That I haven’t slept in since then or that I actually remember the date. But whatever…I’m sleeping until 4 if I want to! Then I got my second dinner date with Mr. Mike. Should be a fun weekend all around. I got tons of movies to watch and I’m doing my grocery shopping after work so I won’t have to do any chores on my time off.

I just wish my hair would cut itself. I hate going. And they always fuck it up no matter what. I’m seriously debating shaving it off and rocking the buzz this summer. I did that once in college and I loved how easy it was. Plus it looked pretty good. The only downside is that it’s a bitch to grow back. My hair is so pin straight that it grows like a fucking Asian mushroom. I’ll be getting it trimmed once a week if I buzz it off and have to slowly grow it back.

And lastly…David Blaine has been submerged in water all week. I don’t know about you, but I’m just about bored to death with this “magician”. When you perform magic, aren’t you supposed to shock and amaze? Or at least do something more interesting than having a catheter shoved down your piss hole? He’s so dumb and lame. It’s not like I’m wishing for something to go wrong, but it would definitely make for a more exciting experiment. I also love how the morning news shows are covering the story and they always say “Look at the crowd out here fascinated by the bravery of Mr. Blaine!” Then you pan out to the crowd and there’s like 6 tourists there and two homeless people asking for money.

We New Yorkers need something a bit more edgy if you want us to actually stop and take notice. Otherwise, have wrinkled hands and rock on with your bad self.

A wonderful weekend to each of you!

Making the (Internet) World a Better Place

I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself to be a member of the blogging community. In fact, I don’t even call my website a blog when referring to it with other people. To me, this is a journal – a rather public journal, that I write in because it makes me feel good. I don’t read other people’s sites on a regular basis and it’s very rare for me to actually step out from behind my computer screen to meet up with fellow bloggers. However, when I do get the chance and have the energy, I do my best to stop by a few sites to see what’s going on.

Lately, I’ve stumbled across a handful of posts that have made an impact on me in one way or another. For today’s entry, I decided to list a few particular posts that have stood out to me as either moving, influential, or just plain honest. Pick one or take the time to read each of these posts. I hope you experience at least a portion of the emotion that I felt while exploring these different sites.

The first post I will recommend for you is by my dear friend, Ari. There is so much to choose from considering her journal covers all sorts of topics, ranging from love and dating to the political climate of the Middle East. I find Ari to be funny, maybe borderline sardonic, and she always has the courage to speak exactly what’s on her mind. She’s an inspiration to me as far as giving me the courage to stand up for myself, even when there is the possibility that I might be defeated in the process. Ari wrote this post a while back about missing something and wondering if she ever had anything to miss at all.

Being a new dog owner myself, posts like this one always rip my heart out. Wicked H is incredibly supportive of my journal, most often being the first person to comment. I like her site because she writes concise pieces that are funny, quick witted, and often thought provoking. When I read about Dexter, I started to picture Wicked H as more than just a faceless person behind a computer screen. I realized that I care about her and her happiness on this personal level that I can’t really explain. She’s in a lot of pain at the moment and for some reason, I truly feel part of her sadness.

You may have heard of this little site called Alarming News. Ari introduced me to the face behind the site about a year ago and I was immediately smitten. Karol is smart, funny, motivated, and one of the few people that I can actually debate religion and politics with. So often Karol and I fall on opposite sides of the fence, but recently, I read a post she wrote on Big Love - the new series on HBO. I absolutely (Big) LOVE this show and have even watched certain episodes a couple of times because I find it to be so expertly done. Karol’s comments on the show, as well as on the people who watch the show, made me laugh and scream “Hells Yeah!” Cuz obviously, if you watch Big Love you’re a polygamist. Well done Karol!

Probably the most gut wrenching post I’ve read this week comes from Mikey. He recently wrote a post about when he found out that he was HIV positive. I’ve known that Mikey was positive from the moment that I stumbled across his site – as he bravely and unabashedly has it listed on the side bar of his main page. What I didn’t know were the details surrounding his discovery of the virus within his system or the aftermath that followed both financially and emotionally. One of my biggest fears in life is being told that I have the HIV virus. I’m sure many people feel that way. However, after reading Mikey’s post, tears in my throat, I realized that this kind of scenario could happen to any one of us and that life is worth living despite getting that news. Some of the post is pretty graphic, but at the same time, so is having the HIV virus. I’ve got more respect for Mikey than I do for myself. When I sit in my bedroom and allow my depression to take over, I should work hard to remember that life could be much more challenging than I already think it is.

And lastly, if you don’t know about a little website called Television Without Pity, then you are surely missing out. Very rarely do I laugh out loud from something I’m reading, but TWOP gets me every single time. Basically if you miss one of your favorite shows on TV, this website will recap it for you and include a high level of snark. My friend Rita introduced me to this site years ago and since then I’ve become a full blown addict. Sometimes, if I HAVE caught a particular TV show during its initial run, I’ll still head over to TWOP to read what they think of the episode. And I gotta say, I’m almost ALWAYS in agreement with their loud and proud opinions.

Thank you to all of the above for contributing the time, thoughts, and energy to making our internet lives not only entertaining, but edifying as well. Lord knows you make the work day go faster. Keep it up!

Haikus and Pickle Juice

I’ve been sitting here staring at the computer screen trying to come up with SOMETHING to write about. Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, I had a million topics I wanted to discuss, but now that I’m at the keyboard, it’s like my brain has turned into full blown mush. Kind of like oatmeal. Cinnamon raisin flavored.

Maybe writing a haiku will get this post off the ground:

Jerked off this morning
After leaving the shower
Dried spunk on my chest

Nah, that did nothing, but gross me the fuck out. And remind me that I should always jerk off BEFORE getting into the shower. Odd thing is, I jerked off twice before I went to bed last night. My dick has been totally insatiable over the last few days. I jerk and I jerk and it vomits cum. So odd and pleasurable. Fine…and erotic too. I need a jerk off buddy. Anyone up for the challenge? Please have nice arms that I can hold on to while I jerk, ok?

Paul rolled into bed at around 5:30am this morning. He was out partying after work with some of his lame friends. And by “lame”, I mean gay. I’m not a huge fan of his gay friends, but I tolerate them the way he tolerates the intensity of my close girl friends. He thinks we’re all a bunch of crazy cackling chickens (yay alliteration!) and I think that he and his friends are a bunch of over the top boozehounds. And they go to skanky bars, but that’s not the point.

The point is that when Paul got into bed, the dog bounded in after him. I woke up and was like “What the fuck is going on?” Paul mumbled something like “I, uh, when I think about, um…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”. I laid there staring at the ceiling listening to him snore his face off. Then Tyler left the bedroom, grabbed a bone and started chomping on it on the other side of the bed. There was so much noise going on I wanted to rip my hair out. I kicked Paul in the shins and he went “OW! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”, then I tried to grab the bone away from Tyler, but he caught on to me and scooted even farther away. “CRUNCH CRUNCH”, “ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”, “CRUNCH”, “ZZZZZZZZ”! ARGH! I got up and showered and wouldn’t you know it…the minute I look back in the bedroom, Tyler and Paul were curled up together silently sleeping their faces off. Figures.

Last night I was playing cards online for a little while and then watched some TV and went to bed. I wasn’t that hungry, so I decided to forgo dinner. But then I woke up at 2am absolutely famished. I got out of bed, stood in the kitchen and ate about an entire jar of pickles. Man, I just love pickles. In fact, I love them so much, I decided to take a sip of the pickle juice. That wasn’t the best idea ever. My stomach clenched and then I knew it was time to put the jar back in the fridge. Good story.

I just saw a kid in my building that has the smallest ass I’ve ever seen. It’s literally this big: ( )

I want to pinch it and call him baby stink butt. But I might lose my job.

Man, I’m writing about some damn stupid shit today. And you’re reading it. Which is worse?

(20 minutes later)

Well I just got some good news! There’s some guy at my job that’s come in to evaluate my organization and the way it runs, etc. They decided to interview about 100 students to find out how they feel about the way things are done here. Wellity…I was just informed that I received the highest rating of everyone here. The interviewer told me that the scores I received are virtually unheard of. How cool is that? I mean, it’s not like I’m being reviewed as an actor and becoming the top of the A list, but I do try to excel at everything I take part in. I work hard here and I try to always have a positive attitude. And it looks like it’s paying off – if not monetarily. It just makes me feel really good.

I’m so lame. I have to call my mom now and tell her about it. She gets so excited over stuff like that and I love sharing it with her.

In any case…have a great Wednesday all! And don’t drink pickle juice at 2am. It’s just not cool.

My Date with “The Winker”

If you are a faithful reader of “Cut the Shit”, then you know I recently met a construction worker stud on the subway during my morning commute. We exchanged phone numbers and after about a week and a half, he finally called me and asked me if I wanted to get a drink or some dinner. I was free that Saturday so we decided to hit up a restaurant in my area.

Mike showed up wearing tapered dress pants and a button down shirt. Ironically enough, I do enjoy guys who can’t dress. It makes them rougher around the edges and I enjoy that immensely. I was wearing jeans and a polo shirt, so when he showed up looking, tapered and um…dappered, I decided to change into a nice button down and pants that let my ankles breathe. I gave him a tour of our apartment and he played with my dog for a little bit.

I have yet to tell him about Paul, so it was a bit funny when he would ask me random questions about things in my apartment. “Why do you have two beds? Who is this guy in all the pictures? Etc.” Inside myself I was screaming with laughter and fear and trying to figure out a way to avoid answering questions I wasn’t ready to answer.

Eventually he gave up trying to figure out why I needed two full size beds in one bedroom and we went to dinner. Mike was an incredible gentleman the entire time we were together. He opened the door to the restaurant for me and asked me which chair I would rather sit in. We had some appetizers and some wine and overall I completely enjoyed his company.

Those of you that know me in person know that I’m a pretty bold conversationalist. I pull no punches and ask the questions I want answered. I did this with Mike and he informed me that he was in the middle of a divorce and is sharing custody of a three year old girl. Oh and he’s 33. The age thing didn’t shake me up at all, but when he said that he had just come out of the closet a year and a half ago, I about spit my steak across the table.

Those of us in the gay community know that when you come out of the closet, you become a whore; the older you are when you come out, the more whorish you tend to be. It’s like tasting freedom for the first time. Mike told me that he’s been out to the gay clubs pretty frequently and that he’s met some cute guys and hooked up so he’s “not completely inexperienced”. Inside my head I was rolling my eyes and thought that this would probably be the last date I would have with him. I’ve been out of the closet for 7 years now and the thought of dating someone who is going through a divorce, just out of the closet and has a kid, is not at all appealing to me. I’ve got enough baggage of my own. I clearly don’t need to put his on my back as well.

When dinner was over, Mike picked up the check. We took a nice walk back to my apartment and talked about movies and music and shit. He asked about my past relationships and I told him a little about Paul, but leaving out the fact that we still live together. Usually I’m a very open and up front kind of guy, but as I get older, I realize that sometimes personal items in my life are really no one else’s business. I feel good about my decision to wait on telling him about Paul and most of my friends were in agreement.

Mike dropped me off at the front door of my building and he kissed me on the lips. No tongue…just very sweet and hot. I enjoyed it quite a bit. He obviously isn’t afraid of PDA, although I’m pretty much uncomfortable with that. However, I gave over to the moment and it was actually quite beautiful.

Since then we’ve spoken on the phone a few times and we have plans for dinner this Saturday night. However, this morning I got on the subway and who should happen to walk through the door a few stops later? Mr. Construction Man in his dirty, hot outfit! I got up and we moved to the other side of the train and talked our way through the ride. He had a jacket with him, but was only wearing a t-shirt on the train. I had told my friends that I thought he was a bit too skinny for my tastes, but today he looked ripped up. I haven’t seen him with his shirt off yet, but if today’s outfit was any indication of what’s underneath, I’m definitely into it. I particularly liked the veins that snaked up and down his forearms.

Mike asked me what I was doing for lunch and if I wanted to meet up for a sandwich this afternoon. Part of me wanted to, but part of me wanted to hold the suspense until this weekend, so I said no. If I change my mind, I can “always reach him on his cell”.

I like Mike. I do. I think he’s a great guy with a decent sense of humor. He’s the most masculine gay guy I’ve ever met and I’m turned on by his charm and snaky veins. Also, I can tell that he likes me and that he’s interested in taking this further.

In the past I would just blow him and see what happened from there. But now that I’m older, better looking, and wiser (always have to stick the “better looking” in there), I won’t just immediately put his dick in my mouth. Although Paul and I are on a break and we are both allowed to date, I have been overjoyed at how well we’re getting along and how much fun we’ve been having together. I’m still in love with him and I still believe we have the potential of a wonderful future together. Yet, before I make that decision, I promised myself that I would date around and see what else is out there. Up until now, I haven’t really liked any of the guys I’ve dated.

And that’s that! I’ll definitely keep you all posted as to the details of my next date. But for now, I’ve got a lot of soul searching to do and I need to figure out where I’m at with Paul. Are we forever or not? I just don’t know yet, but will I ever know?

And no, I’m not asking you for your opinion on my and Paul’s relationship. I’m so used to my friends and family telling me that I’m making a mistake that I’ve learned to live my own life and to tune out any sort of unwarranted advice. With so many of the people in my life dealing with their own relationship issues, I find it hilarious that they have the time and knowledge to tell me what I should be doing with mine. I mean, are we serious?

For the record, I still need to be good and fucked. But that’s a story for another day.